Cartoon Characters in Government

Give me some credit, I know what sells on my blog…

After a recent discussion (read: potentially friendship ending argument) about which cartoon characters would dutifully serve as our Commander and Chief, a few things were learned:

Cartoon superheroes are out of the equation. They aren’t real, yo.
You don’t insult a man’s favorite childhood cartoon character. They have feelings about such things.
The best candidates are often children.
There really is a lack of viable female candidates.
Disney characters rarely make the cut. Looney Tunes characters often do.

On point 3, see:

Lisa Simpson: 8 years old, an excellent musician, anti-war, maybe a bit emotional at times, but she’s 8. Also, she has experience in leadership during the tooth in soda experiment, although that ended badly…
Stewie Griffin: 1 year old, a little flamboyant, probably would be a harsh, dictator like ruler, but he’s intelligent. The main fears here would mainly be his likely national budget busting military expenditures on destroying his mother. I think he’ll succeed quickly though, and will look for other hobbies soon thereafter. Healthcare reform, anyone? Maybe, but we’ll never know.
Stan Marsh: A fourth grader who offers intellectual views on homosexuality, civil rights, immigration, and other serious national issues. While slightly foul mouthed, what fourth grader isn’t? The important thing is he isn’t bogged down by worthless partisan debates.

On point 5, see:

Winnie the Pooh: Anyone see another Taft like bathtub incident in the future? While that isn’t a reason enough to put Pooh down, his track record of getting things done without his crew is disheartening. Take into account his general laggardness, its basically business as usual in Washington. No thank you.
Porky the Pig: He’s like Gerald Ford: you know he existed, but you’re not really sure what he did. And you can see him tripping over things. And seriously, I think a requirement to being the President is wearing pants.
Micky Mouse: Sounds like a good choice. Can’t really think of anything bad. Which is reason to believe he’s a pushover or a privately horrible person. I personally see him in the Tiger Woods mold.
Elmer Fudd: He’d have the conservative vote with his stance on the second amendment, but too much 19th century thinking.
Yosemite Sam: He’d make a solid president in the Andrew Jackson mold, but his track record is rather slim, and this is the 21st century. Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck do see him as a respectable adversary, so I will as well, but I just don’t think he’s the type that can adjust to this ever changing world.
Marvin the Martian: Throwing in him in here because he’s a personal favorite. He’s a Martian though, so not eligible. Sadface.
Aladdin: Hot girl, but Middle Eastern past will hurt him in popular vote. Rags to riches story is endearing, though.
Woody from Toy Story: A natural leader, but needs Buzz around to keep him levelheaded. There’s no place for two alpha males in the white house.

Other potential candidates include:

Spongebob: All I can say is: no. You’re not even a cartoon character in my eyes.
Homer Simpson: He’s the common man, and he’s gotten more intelligent recently, but his past as an alcoholic and child abuser, and to a lesser extent, his idiocy, will hold him back.
Pinky and the Brain: They come as a team. We’ve seen this administration recently, and it doesn’t turn out well (read: Bush and the Cheney).
Peter Griffin: Like Homer, he’s the everyday guy, but also a complete moron. He does have a solid backing with Brian, but having Koolaid man crashing into the Whitehouse on occasion isn’t going to sit well with the public picking up the bill. That and his family literally destroying any respectability remaining in the Whitehouse makes this a no-go. Also, his daughter’s looks isn’t going to win him any votes.
Fred Flintstone: Wilma or Barney would probably be better as they generally save him from his hardheadedness every episode. Still, he’s got some interesting ideas for a green lifestyle.
Underdog: Cute and underestimated, but always comes up on top. Still, don’t think he’d want the Presidency, and he might look too ‘Street’ to capture the affluent vote.

So who makes the cut? While no conclusion was reached, I feel the following administration would be solid:

Secretary of Health: Popeye

Hear me out. He could be defense secretary, but he’ll make more inroads getting children to eat their vegetables. He did for me.

Secretary of Transportation: The Roadrunner

He keeps his head down, doesn’t talk much, and knows how to get around. Fast. I can’t think of any better qualifications.

Secretary of the Interior: Yosemite Sam

If he can get over his differences with Bugs and control his temper, he’d have our national parks’ best interests in mind.

Secretary of Defense: Elmer Fudd

Also will need to get over his differences with Bugs, but I think he will for this post that utilizes his strengths: Guns. Give the man credit when its due. He’s not the best strategist, but that guy is in the oval office.

Secretary of Agriculture: Rabbit from Winnie the Pooh

He’s respectable and will get the job done.

Secretary of Labor: Wiley E. Coyote

He’s your working man. Give him something for his toils.

Attorney General: Virgil from Mighty Max

This might be the only one I’m truly sure about.

Secretary of State: Porky the Pig

The thing people forget about him is he’s got some intelligence and is likeable. I think he’ll have a knack for foreign policy.

Vice President: Daffy Duck

I’m not personally a fan, but he’s the classic wingman, a second tier star. Vice presidents don’t do much anyways, and there is a fear that he is second in line to the Presidency, but I’ve never seen anyone leave a scratch on Bugs; he’s not going anywhere.

** President: Bugs Bunny**

He’s a smooth talker, gets along with almost everyone, and possibly the most cunning cartoon character of our time. He’s got his baggage, but no other candidate separates himself from the field as much as Bugs. All he needs to solve our most glaring problems is a carrot. We’ve got plenty of those. He’s refreshingly straightforward and doesn’t take sides. He’s the perfect person to make clearheaded decisions about the country’s future. He’s a shoe-in any election, easily commanding votes from both sides with his charisma and name recognition. His position with the heartland might be hurt by his bachelorness (he’d be the first bachelor president since Buchanan), but maybe he and Lola might finally settle down and we’d have a couple as powerful as the Kennedy’s.

Give me some credit, I know what sells on my blog…

After a recent discussion (read: potentially friendship ending argument) about which cartoon characters would dutifully serve as our Commander and Chief, a few things were learned:

Cartoon superheroes are out of the equation. They aren’t real, yo.
You don’t insult a man’s favorite childhood cartoon character. They have feelings about such things.
The best candidates are often children.

There really is a lack of viable female candidates. 4. Disney characters rarely make the cut. Looney Tunes characters often do.

On point 3, see:

Lisa Simpson: 8 years old, an excellent musician, anti-war, maybe a bit emotional and deferent at times (but she’s 8). Also, she has experience in leadership during the tooth in soda experiment, although that ended badly…
Stewie Griffin: 1 year old, a little flamboyant, probably would be a harsh, dictator like ruler, but he’s intelligent. The main fears here would mainly be his likely national budget busting military spending on destroying his mother. I think he’ll succeed though, and will look for other hobbies soon thereafter. Healthcare reform, anyone? Maybe, but we’ll never know.
Stan Marsh: A fourth grader who offers intellectual views on homosexuality, civil rights, immigration, and other serious national issues. While slightly foul mouthed, what fourth grader isn’t? The important thing is he isn’t bogged down by worthless partisan debates.

On point 4, see:

Winnie the Pooh: Anyone see another Taft like bathtub incident in the future? While that isn’t a reason enough to put Pooh down, his track record of getting things done without his crew is disheartening. Take into account his general laggardness, its basically business as usual in Washington. No thank you.
Porky the Pig: He’s like Gerald Ford: you know he existed, but you’re not really sure what he did. And you can see him tripping over things. And seriously, I think a requirement to being the President is wearing pants.
Micky Mouse: Sounds like a good choice. Can’t really think of anything bad. Which is reason to believe he’s a pushover or a privately horrible person. I personally see him in the Tiger Woods mold.
Spongebob: All I can say is: no. You’re not even a cartoon character in my eyes.
Elmer Fudd: He’d have the conservative vote with his stance on the second amendment, but too much 19th century thinking.
Homer Simpson: He’s the common man, and he’s gotten more intelligent recently, but his past as an alcohol and child abuser, and to a lesser extent, his idiocy, will hold him back.
Yosemite Sam: He’d make a solid president in the Andrew Jackson mold, but his track record is rather slim, and this is the 21st century. Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck do see him as a respectable adversary, so I will as well, but I just don’t think he’s the type that can adjust to this ever changing world.
Peter Griffin: Like Homer, he’s the everyday guy, but also a complete moron. He does have a solid backing with Brian, but having Koolaid man crashing into the Whitehouse on occasion isn’t going to sit well with the public picking up the bill. That and his family literally destroying any respectability remaining in the Whitehouse make this a no-go. Also, his daughter’s looks isn’t going to win him any votes.
Fred Flintstone: Wilma or Barney would probably be better as they generally save him from his hardheadedness every episode. Still, he’s got some interesting ideas for a green lifestyle.
Marvin the Martian: Throwing in him in here because he’s a personal favorite. He’s a Martian though, so not eligible. Sadface.
Pinky and the Brain: They come as a team. We’ve seen this administration recently, and it doesn’t turn out well (read: Bush and the Cheney).
Aladdin: Hot girl, but Middle Eastern past will hurt him. Rags to riches story is endearing, though.
Woody from Toy Story: A natural leader, but needs Buzz around to keep him levelheaded. There’s no place for two alpha males in the white house.
Underdog: Cute and underestimated, but always comes up on top. Still, don’t think he’d want the Presidency, and he might look too ‘Street’ for the majority of suburban voters.

So who makes the cut? While no conclusion was reached, I feel the following administration would be solid:

Secretary of Health: Popeye. Hear me out. He could be defense secretary, but he’ll make more inroads getting children to eat their vegetables. He did for me.
Secretary of Transportation: The Roadrunner. He keeps his head down, doesn’t talk much, and knows how to get around. Fast. I can’t think of any better qualifications.
Secretary of the Interior: Yosemite Sam. If he can get over his differences with Bugs and control his temper, he’d have our national parks best interests in mind.
Secretary of Defense: Elmer Fudd. Also will need to get over his differences with Bugs, but I think he will for this post that utilizes his strengths: Guns. Give the man credit when its due. He’s not the best strategist, but that guy is in the oval office.
Secretary of Agriculture: Rabbit from Winnie the Pooh. He’s respectable and will get the job done.
Secretary of Homeland Security: It’s not like we have someone now.
Secretary of Labor: Wiley E. Coyote. He’s your working man. Give him something for his toils.
Attorney General: Virgil from Mighty Max. This might be the only one I’m truly sure about.
Secretary of State: Porky the Pig. The thing people forget about him is he’s got some intelligence and is likeable. I think he’ll have a knack for foreign policy.
Vice President: Daffy Duck. I’m not personally a fan, but he’s the classic wingman, a second tier star. Vice presidents don’t do much anyways, and there is a fear that he is second in line to the Presidency, but I’ve never seen anyone leave a scratch on Bugs; he’s not going anywhere.
President: Bugs Bunny. He’s a smooth talker, gets along with almost everyone, and possibly the most cunning cartoon character of our time. He’s got his baggage, but no other candidate separates himself from the field as much as Bugs. All he needs to solve our most glaring problems is a carrot. We’ve got plenty of those. He’s refreshingly straightforward and doesn’t take sides. He’s the perfect person to make clearheaded decisions about the country’s future. He’s a shoe in any election, although he might be the first bachelor president since Buchanan.